I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
