I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
people are starting to question the shark bite story
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
