Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
