The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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