i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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