hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
