I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
