my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
