and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
