I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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