I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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