I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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