Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
