What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
