So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
