Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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