Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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