I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
