You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
