i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
