Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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