he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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