cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
