dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
