i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
