So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
