Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
