Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
