Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
