Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
