I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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