you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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