I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
