I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
