anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
