No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
