Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
