I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
