I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
