happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
