I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
