how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
that's an acceptable place to lick
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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