woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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