My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
