So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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