I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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