Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
