broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
