please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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