First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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