you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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